Thoughts & Observations: Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones

There’s not a ton of clone attacking in this Attack of the Clones.

Possible Alternate Titles: How I Met Your Mother.

  • The John Williams music makes reading fun! I mean, I like to read anyway, but think of the children.
  • “I guess I was wrong. There was no danger at all.” Exact words you should say if you want an explosion to happen.
  • “Y’know, My lady, Count Dooku was a jedi.” I misheard this, and thought he said “My Lady Count Dooku.” Where are the lady Jedis? Do I have to wait until Episode VII? (I might also have heard “Count Dookie”)
  • Theory that Jar Jar knows more than he lets on still going strong. He appears at the elevator right before Obi and Ani walk through, then acts surprised to see them. I’m on to you, Binks.
  • Forced love story between Amidala and Anakin in 3…2….1…. The word “intoxicating” is worrisome. Are we sure Ani isn’t just her needy stalker? He was like, 8 the last time she saw him. That’s creepy.
  • Obi-Wan prefers hanging from a tiny flying robot to Anakin driving. Damn teenage drivers.
  • Obi denies the offer of death sticks (aka cigarettes). This has been a Public Service Announcement from George Lucas. Carry on.
  • Saying something doesn’t exist (a planet in this case) in a movie universe almost guarantees that it does. Space Aunt May is lying.
  • Anakin’s first kiss is cut short by Amidala’s hesitation and a sudden stop to the soundtrack music. Reason #4 for Anakin to go Dark Side.
  • Possible Kiss attempt #2 story-blocked by a cross swip in the editing. That’s Reason #5 if I ever saw one.
  • Anakin takes Amidala’s space-pear and only shares a small piece. Evidence the kid is going Dark Side #3.
  • I question the physics of lightsaber battles in the rain.
  • The space ship sound effects in the asteroid belt were definitely derived from Indy car races.
  • Shmi Skywalker is gone. Reason #6.
  • There are a lot of wipe transitions in this movie.
  • Shmi dies. Reason #7. But at least he exacts some fiendishly awesome vengeance.
  • “You’re not all powerful.” “Well I should be.” Cue Hans Zimmer soundtrack. This is…Darth Vader Begins.
  • Amidala is a boss in this movie. She’s the one to decide to save Obi-Wan.
  • R2 gives C3PO the business. Sassy little robot. He’s the pants in this relationship.
  • Amidala is the only one with a lockpick when they’re all being sentenced to death. Riding a freaking alligator-beast. LIKE A BOSS.
  • “Such a drag.” “I’m beside myself.” “Have I got my head on straight?” C3PO must have fried some circuits when he misplaced his head. He’s only able to speak in puns.
  • Kid of Fett (mini-me clone) holds the helmet after his “dad” dies. Boba Fett Begins.
  • Holy crap, that’s the Death Star they’re designing! Wait a second, you mean Vader didn’t come up with it? Such a poser.
  • Anakin has disposable light saber powers.
  • ARM SLICE-ATION. Count Dookie feels bad for a moment, because now Anakin will have a tough time trying on shirts.
  • Why does Yoda need a cane? He was doing backflips a second ago.
  • Darth Vader theme! Too soon?
  • Awww, Anakin marries Padme Amidala anyway. Reason #4-5 obliterated.
  • But, you do see he has a robot hand now right? No good guys get a robot hand unless they’re Robo-Cop, or reprogrammed death machines from the future. Our star crossed lovers will have to find out the hard way in Episode III.

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